So I suppose that this blog should have technically been started in August because now I have quite a bit of back story to catch you up on. And when I say "you" I am making the bold assumption that there will be some poor soul subjected to what I'm saying here. I mean, personally I have always considered blogs to be yet another way for pretentious, self-indulgent lunatics to rant and rave about what inane things cross their minds on a daily basis. In that light, I expect nothing more than for this to be just a way for me to post my own lunacy. If I even have one other person take the time to read what I have to say, I will be utterly shocked.
With my personal feelings on blogs being made clear, you may wonder what significance August holds. August of 2005 marked the beginning of what I consider being on my "own" in this world. I started college. I live alone in a one bedroom apartment. I moved two hours from anyone or anything I've ever known. Yes, I am well aware that there are millions of people living a comparable lifestyle. In fact, there are 49,000 of them attending my college alone. But the fact that we all take that plunge out of our nests and struggle to find the strength to take flight does not at all downplay its difficulty. For some I am sure it is easier than others. Perhaps they were given some form of a flying lesson or are just innately independent, but as sure as I am of that I am even more positive that most of them are struggling to find their wings. I am a member of the latter group.
In retrospect, I am in no way the same person I was nine months ago. I used to have the understanding that life would change, but I expected the changes to come from outside sources. I was prepared to lose contact with friends, to start friendships with new ones, and to separate myself from my old life. For the most part, in fact, I welcomed the changes. I knew that mourning what I used to have was pointless so I attempted to ignore the growing fears and apprehensions in order to replace them with excitement. Before August I viewed the changes in my life as something to which my friends, family, and boyfriend would have to become accustomed. It was not until after moving that I realized that it was me who was being forced to change and become someone new. I was completely unprepared for the personal renaissance I have experienced. In simple terms, with the exception of very few things, there is nothing in my life now that existed in my prior life.
The things that are in some ways the same: my family, my closest friends, and my boyfriend. And trust me, even those things have been drastically altered by the new me. I cannot truthfully say that I am happy with the changes I see in myself. Or that I have accepted the new person I am. I have managed to avoid accepting the new me by convincing myself that this is a transition period and that I will later become the person I've always wanted to be. Secretly, though, I fear that the expectations I used to have for my future self are meaningless considering who I have become. I don't want to make myself misunderstood. I haven't turned into some monster. And I most certainly wasn't entirely pleased with the person I used to be either. It's just that when you have such high standards for yourself and you think, "When I am on my own, I'll finally be able to become that person I always wanted to be and couldn't. I get to start over. I get to leave all the crap I went through behind", and you don't meet those expectations, you can't help but feel disappointment.
Overall, simply put, I've got issues. I am more than aware of that. It's just that I always face the same question in my mind: Will I ever know what I'm doing in this life? At times, I am not so sure that I will find the direction I need. Sometimes I am not so sure I want the direction that I've got. I guess that there will always be times like these..."transition" periods I'll call them. Times when things are changing so fast that you'll miss them if you take the time to blink. Times when you don't know who you are or who the hell you're going to be tomorrow. So I invite anyone who is willing to join the journey. I can't guarantee much, but I can most assuredly say that it will be quite a ride.
