Unchained Denial

Today I was caught in a rainstorm on my way home from campus. This was no summer shower. This was an angry, violent, sudden Florida thunderstorm. I loved every moment of it. There are few things lovelier than the sound of raindrops on your rooftop...I felt like I could drown under the falling rain.

It seems that if I'm not drowning under the rushing waves of this life than I'm wishing to be drowned beneath the falling waves somewhere.

Zero Degrees of Separation

Simply put: the very best

"And the days went by like paper in the wind. Everything changed, then changed again. It's hard to find a friend. It's hard to find a friend."

- Tom Petty

Whenever I think things are changing so much that I don't know where I stand, I am reminded that I can always stand next to these amazing women. They are all inspirational to me in some way...the simple fact that we have been best friends for almost ten years is enough to keep me going some days. No matter how far apart we may feel, we are always close in spirit. And the bonus? I never have more fun than when we are together. It's an understatement to say that things are never dull!

Random Beauty and Senseless Acts of Me

1. I should have been born early enough in the last century to live out the '50s with unmatchable style. I love Marilyn Monroe, Bettie Page, and John F. Kennedy. I adore the music, the post-war abundance, the clothes, the hairstyles, the culture.

2. I am a conservative, which is not a synonym for ignorant. I believe in Biblical marriage roles and Southern tradition, but I support successful careers outside the home for wives.

3. I am essentially a 45-year-old soccer mom stuck in a 19-year-old college student's body.

4. I can and have spent upwards of three hours in a bookstore. I consider it an intellectual obligation to read all of the classics.

5. My friends and family come before all things, second only to God. No one will ever love you like they do.

6. I appreciate my Irish heritage and take great interest in Ireland's politics. I want to learn more Gaelic and visit that beautiful isle before I die. I don't think anyone in the world knows that.

7. There are more than six billion people in this world and amazingly not even two are exactly alike...I love that.

8. I make "Top 5" lists for most topics in life. It started out as a clever way to make conversation or make a point, but now I use it as an organizational tool.

9. I have been called a pretentious asshole to my face for attending the university which I do. I feel it was unjust not in defense of my school but because I'm not.

10. I am a perfectionist to a fault. Although I'm not sure there is a form of perfectionism that isn't a fault.

11. I am one of the most feminine girls you'll ever meet, but I couldn't be farther from high maintenance. Attn: Females: Just because you are a nice-looking woman does not mean you are a princess, nor should you ever be treated as such.

12. I think MTV is the devil incarnate. Laguna Beach is the reason why the rich shouldn't get tax breaks. Super Sweet 16 is the exact representation of excess in America. Next and Room Raiders explain in thirty minutes the divorce rates in the United States. Our parents told us that MTV was bad for us...if only our generation had listened.

13. I love the website Post Secret and religiously visit it every Sunday. However I refuse to share it with anyone I know. They could never appreciate it the way it should be appreciated.

14. I am a complete music snob. I hoard bands that I "discover" and then get insanely irritated when they get popular enough that friends ask, "Have you heard of [insert once awesome band]?"

15. I feel that my entire life is leading to one single moment: having children. I want to impart to them the knowledge I wish I had...but I know that they will resent me in some way. It is what I consider to be the real circle of life.

16. I am your typical "good girl", but I have done things that most people in my life don't even know about. I live a dichotomous lifestyle.

17. There is nothing more I would love than to be "happy", but, not only do I believe it doesn't exist, I often think I am my happiest when wallowing in depression.

18. As much as I would love to be the girl in Maxim that guys drool over, I value being modest and classy more than finally having my physique openly appreciated.

19. Taking care of one's body is the equivalent of taking care of one's new car. You wash it once a week, wax it every so often, change the oil every 3,000 miles, and pay attention to any warning lights so you can eventually trade it in to glean some value from your used good. Maybe God will appreciate getting His merchandise back in good shape. Maybe He'll up your trade-in value.

20. I just want to make a difference in this world. My greatest fear is being made useless by time.

Here's To You, Disappointment

I find myself feeling of late that I am on the path to nowhere. It's not to say that I can't foresee success down this particular road or that there is nothing good at the end of this journey, but rather that this path is leading me nowhere I thought I'd be. I always imagined myself getting away from this place for a few years, proving that I can survive alone in New York, London, L.A., Chicago, Washington D.C., even Atlanta, making money changing this world in even some miniscule way, and then returning to my small, rural hometown to raise a family. I wanted to be a writer, an artisit, a powerful businesswoman. I can still be these things, just not the way I thought I wanted it.

The past few years have forced me into staying here. My family and I are much too close for me to be any substantial distance away from them. I allow them to guilt me into compromising all of my desires for my life. Moreover, I have a man I plan to marry in the next three years here. He is a firefighter, so taking him along on my "dream" life adventure is not necessarily realistic...and that would be a significant modification to the plan in itself. So I suppose I've come to the realization that my life journey is officially and permanently altered. Instead of those things I imagined myself being and doing, I will be the girl who married her high school sweetheart, started a family in her mid-twenties, got a decent job, and lived unexceptionally ever after.

Although it is not of an intellectual capacity, it will hopefully give me something of which to be proud. I cannot sit here and even insinuate that I didn't want this path, too or that I find anything in the world more important than raising my own family. Rather, I guess I simply find it easier to blame my loss of hope for my dreams on circumstances than my own desires. There will always be that other path that I didn't take...it would be the same if I did move far, far away from here. I would always think, "What if I had stayed?" I just hope that in ten years regret will stop haunting me long enough to enjoy the life I'll be leading.

Sitting here in this moment, I realized that I make my deepest fears and secrets globally public with the intense, subconscious hope that someone I know will stumble across these words and, for the first time in almost twenty years, I'll be understood. I am not the kind of individual to ever let sadness, fear, apprehension, vulnerability, or burden show. I bear all of this alone. I think it's a responsibility. Other people in the world simply choose to neglect their responsibilities. In that sense, I have some of the most irresponsible friends in existence. I am the one who must hear every "woe is me" story, day in and day out. I must bear my own burdens, secrets, and fears in addition to theirs. And this is expected of me. But I have always felt the acute need to prove, if only to myself, that I can at least handle my own emotions. I fear vulnerability and imperfection. That's why in some sense it would be such a relief for someone to hear me...minus the walls I put up, minus their own needs. Just their open mind and my blatantly honest words. I've always been in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs, yet no one has ever taken notice. All I want is to turn even one head...