Yesterday's Not Good Enough For Me

This is the end. The end of letting myself feel like this. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has regrets. People have no right to look down on me or pass judgment. I'm letting go. Of all of it. The negativity, the hatefulness, the poorly disguised defenses. I can't deal with this anymore. My old life, all the shit that's happened, means nothing to me...at least I'm not going to allow it to anymore. I don't need anyone but myself right now. And finally, for once in my life, I'm okay with that. All I want is to be left to my own devices. I want to become someone better and give up all the people and things that won't let me. I'm done caring about and fighting for things that have been over for far too long. I'm at the end of my rope, ready to let go and jump into what I hope is a better life. With or without people I care about, I will survive.

All the Sweetness Has Bled Away

I guess this is the place where my actions have led me...and it seems that nothing will ever lead me out of here. Happiness is something that has eluded me for the entirity of my life. But lately I have felt for the first time maybe some level of happiness could be within reach. Am I foolish to think that there might be something out there that could "fix" me? I often think that this is a false sense of hope into which I have tricked myself. Maybe this medication has taken all of my reality. Maybe all I want to be is sad...I have always sickly enjoyed wallowing in misery, solitude. How can these people around me truly understand that? I guess they can't, and that is the problem.

I need help. I need a lot of things. But can help really exist for such a broken person? Can anyone possibly make sense of this mess that I call my life? I've certainly done all I can to self-medicate for the better part of my life to no avail. Twenty years old and still existing in nothingness. It's pathetic, really. I'm pathetic. I am nothing more but a vessel of lies and deceit. Nothing I tell people is true. I'm not happy. I'm not better. I'm not different. All I'll ever be is what I am: a failure. I am so scared of letting myself exist as the person I am. Instead I choose to exist as the person I think people want me to be. All of my successes, all of my achievements mean nothing to me. They were only an attempt to gain approval and love. I gained little to nothing for my hard work. I've been scared and unhappy about this relationship for longer than I can remember, but I was supposed to get married out of college. I was supposed to have grandchildren for my parents. I was supposed to be so many things...none of which were me.

I don't think I know how to love anyone enough to be eternally bonded to them. I am so fearful of being alone, but even more fearful of destroying someone's life. All I am capable of is taking beautiful, amazing things and destroying them. I hurt the people closest to me to prove that I am impossible to love. I know I'm not worthy of true love or devotion so I want to show them before it's too late. I am a mess. At least I know that I am an impossible soul. So many people wonder why bad things come to them...I know. I am where I am now because a person like me deserves bad things to be heaped onto them. And so goes my life...