I often think that I have so very much to be grateful for in my life that I am out of my mind for ever feeling lonely or down. I am in no way delusional about how amazing so much in my life truly is, but I can never seem to reconcile the cognitive dissonance that exists concerning how terrible I feel about myself.
For example, and most likely the best one I can give, is my family. I used to think that no one understood me or approved of me, no matter how hard I tried to relate to or impress them. I did anything and everything to ensure that they did not see one sign of weakness, not one flaw, not one single vulnerability. I sacrificed to prove my worth to them. All I wanted was to be loved for who I was. And I felt this was all to no avail. How wrong I was.
It took a complete mental and emotional breakdown, the complete destruction of all my walls and protections to finally see how much they cared. It's almost like they understand me and know me better now than they ever did before. I can't believe that the only thing that has brought me peace and happiness is my complete vulnerability in their eyes. The overwhelming unconditional love and support that they have provided for me in the past three months has made me feel more accepted and appreciated than any achievement or award I've ever received. So funny the things that make you appreciative.
I wish I had the eloquence, that the words existed, to express my gratitude to them. I wish I could show them how much it means to me that no matter who I am, I know that they will love me with all of their heart. It is the only love I believe in anymore. It is the only love that is real to me. I wish they knew how many times it has been the thought of their pain and grief that has kept me alive. I wish they knew how not knowing Conner broke my heart more than the thought of my death. I wish they knew how much I respect them for being able to truly, wholeheartedly love someone like me. As I've been told, I don't just make it difficult...I make it impossible.
I used to think that real love existed between two people who were wholly, head-over-heels in love with each other. I thought that this all-encompassing love existed between a man and woman. I no longer believe that this exists. I don't honestly think that a person can be entirely satisfied...at least not enough to do anything but damage and hurt the other.
"Real" love is the unconditional, undying love that has been shown to me, so undeservingly, by the people I am so blessed to call my family. There is no repayment suitable for this. I am forever indebted to them for thinking me worthy. I owe them my life...in more than one way.
For example, and most likely the best one I can give, is my family. I used to think that no one understood me or approved of me, no matter how hard I tried to relate to or impress them. I did anything and everything to ensure that they did not see one sign of weakness, not one flaw, not one single vulnerability. I sacrificed to prove my worth to them. All I wanted was to be loved for who I was. And I felt this was all to no avail. How wrong I was.
It took a complete mental and emotional breakdown, the complete destruction of all my walls and protections to finally see how much they cared. It's almost like they understand me and know me better now than they ever did before. I can't believe that the only thing that has brought me peace and happiness is my complete vulnerability in their eyes. The overwhelming unconditional love and support that they have provided for me in the past three months has made me feel more accepted and appreciated than any achievement or award I've ever received. So funny the things that make you appreciative.
I wish I had the eloquence, that the words existed, to express my gratitude to them. I wish I could show them how much it means to me that no matter who I am, I know that they will love me with all of their heart. It is the only love I believe in anymore. It is the only love that is real to me. I wish they knew how many times it has been the thought of their pain and grief that has kept me alive. I wish they knew how not knowing Conner broke my heart more than the thought of my death. I wish they knew how much I respect them for being able to truly, wholeheartedly love someone like me. As I've been told, I don't just make it difficult...I make it impossible.
I used to think that real love existed between two people who were wholly, head-over-heels in love with each other. I thought that this all-encompassing love existed between a man and woman. I no longer believe that this exists. I don't honestly think that a person can be entirely satisfied...at least not enough to do anything but damage and hurt the other.
"Real" love is the unconditional, undying love that has been shown to me, so undeservingly, by the people I am so blessed to call my family. There is no repayment suitable for this. I am forever indebted to them for thinking me worthy. I owe them my life...in more than one way.
