Why?

Why can I not figure this out?? Where are all the answers to my questions? Like why am I so caught up on this stupid thing that I can't understand?? Why does this aching depression come back no matter how I try to alleviate the problem? Does he love me? Do I love him? Do I even love myself? Am I fooling myself just like I always do? Will I ever put down this mask and learn to be myself? Accept and appreciate who I am, really, truly, not just the facade I usually display?

How can I ever answer the unanswerable? I can't. But as soon as I stop asking questions, it seems I cease to care about my future...or maybe it's when I start that that happens. I don't even know anymore. I am resisting this urge so desparately...this urge to hurt myself. It's been happening again a bit lately, first in the form of hurting those around me and their perceptions of me in order to hurt myself. But now, I really want to do damage...permanent, landmark damage. I am trying to prevent this...I really am...but stopping myself now is almost impossible, no matter how counteractive this damage might be.

I just don't know if I'm ever going to be okay. Why do I insist on breaking my own heart? Don't the people around me do enough of that for me? Being alone is my only solitude and, yet, my most dangerous weapon. I will use it against myself.