I know that I've done so many things that I can't make excuses for or ever take back. They are my personal burdens to bear; my crimes for which to pay. And I'm okay with that. I will unabashedly own up to each and every single mistake, misstep, and word misspoken. But the thing that I cannot bring myself to do is convince myself that every person in my life, affected or not by my actions, deserves to punish me individually as they see fit. Simply because I have lied does not give you the right to mistrust me. Because I have screwed up does not guarantee that I will allow my steps to again falter. Because I have in the past been capable of things that make me hate everything that I am does not automatically mean that you are allowed that privilege.
Forgiveness is a virtue with which I myself struggle, so I can understand one's difficulty with forgiving my past. I rehash the sins I've committed daily, often wondering if I am even worth the effort of redemption. But I am not personally a being of grudges or generalizations or harsh judgment. Perhaps I am a fool to believe that people simply make mistakes and that it's possible to change...even myself included. But if we are all doomed to repeat our many pasts, what is the point of existence? Do we not all touch the hot stove at least once to realize the harm that results? I hope that I can prove myself changed and honest and whole. It's just hard to do when it seems no one else will give me that chance.
No matter what I've done or who I've become or what I've tried to leave behind, there is one ribbon of consistency that binds every single relationship that I've had: I am not enough, I will never be enough, and I might as well stop trying. Is anyone perfect? Doesn't everyone fall short now and then? So why must I be singled out as a failure? Simply because I've stumbled those around me crash insults down upon me and throw my shortcomings in my face. Without remorse they make it clear that I am not worthy of forgiveness. I am not worthy of love. I cannot be trusted. So why do I continue trying? What is the point in living this life when all I'll ever know is pain and disappointment?
Love, compassion, understanding, loyalty....these mean nothing to anyone. What is the use?
