I cannot find people in this life that can just love me, wholly and truly. No judgments. No questions asked. No conditions. I've had my heart broken so many times by friends that make it clear that my friendship is not worth enough, I'm not worth enough, to just love. The second they find the opportunity, the minute it gets too hard, they turn away without intentions of ever needing me in their lives again.
Is it so much to ask to just be understood? I'm not perfect. I have made more mistakes in this life than should be allowed. I am insecure. I am a mess. I hurt people to protect myself. I don't let people in. These are not new issues to me. It's not that I ever expect them to not get upset or hurt or angry with me. I just expect them to be there when I am broken and alone and need to just say, "I'm sorry." I need them to look past all the shit that I put on day in and day out and know that I don't know how to be a better person. Know that with every ounce of my being I try to be a good friend. Know that I try to love as best as I know how. Know that I would give my life, my everything, to keep them from being hurt.
I wonder if anyone else knows what it feels like to wake up everyday and wonder if today's the day you'll become someone better. Am I supposed to constantly feel so isolated and miserable about the person I am? Is this really the best that I get? If it is, I don't know if this world needs someone like me. If the only way I can find myself happy and find those around me happy with who I am is when a pill takes away all my pain and feelings, am I even worth it? Am I worth the effort it takes to get up everyday and know that I will fall short of everyone's expectations? If all I can ever be is selfish and unsure and broken...I can't do it anymore.
I can't make any more excuses for being the way I am. I don't know how to change on my own. I thought I had become such a better person, so much more content. But nothing has changed. A year later and I am just as miserable and confused and insane and lost as I ever have been. No one can understand. Some stupid pills, or at least the lack of them for just a few days, makes me someone I've hated for so long. The thoughts and emotions that go through my head can't be comprehended by those around me, but they are so hard to live with. I hate knowing that I am so controlled by some chemical and that I don't want to admit that being off it makes me someone I hate. If who I really am is this terrible, why would anyone want me around? Is the only way I can survive in this life by being someone other than me? I don't want to live like this...not anymore.
