Inevitable Disappointment

Unfortunately for me, another year at this life has brought me no closer to clarity nor unmuddled the confusion that clouds my mind's perspective. Instead of finding myself, it just seems that I am losing myself ever more steadily. Internally, at least I like to think, I have transformed myself, brought myself nearer to becoming whole. But as far as life's decisions, as far as where I am headed on this unmarked map of life, I am still unsure. I have been told, "Things just fall into place. Don't worry. What is meant will come to you." If that's true, why am I being called upon to make so many decisions about this "fate" that awaits me? Maybe I just can't believe in destiny. God's providence I can accept. But that is when He steps in to guide you or keep you from something, for your own good and for His will...not just to make your life easier. This "destiny" to which people so lovingly refer to is just a silly fairy tale that brings them comfort when they find themselves broken and alone and confused in the world. Real life requires decisions, heartbreak, loss, and confusion. It is just what we must face as we grow older with each passing day. And instead of things getting easier as time passes, more decisions are required of us, each with exponential difficulty. At this point in my life I have come to realize that this is what will be asked of me for the entirety of my life. The problem I am having, however, is that I am so much a coward that I refuse to make any commitment out of fear of making the wrong decision. I put these problems off and the longer I do, the more apprehensive and miserable I become. This is killing me. I am killing me.