I have come to the realization that love is a lie. Love, the way it is made out in movies and books and little girls' dreams, does not exist. There is no fairy tale ending, no perfect romance, no undying, unconditional affection. There are broken hearts, shattered endings, unraveled stitches of the fabric of your life. "Love" as I know it makes you rip yourself open time and time again until you just don't think anything's left, then makes you sew yourself back up again, just trying to make yourself whole. You'll never be whole again. You'll never be the same.

I used to think that each heartache, each person you loved, only made your heart grow to let more love in; that it healed itself stronger and there was room enough for the past and the future. But now I know that your heart doesn't grow bigger...there is just less and less to give. So much less that you are scared to even give what's left for fear of losing it all. Love makes you so bitter, so hurt, so vulnerable, that you feel like never letting it happen again. You're so scared to ever give yourself to anyone or let anyone else in that you stop believing in love altogether. Love makes you wonder what is so desparately wrong with you and your heart that makes you incapable of true, honest, all-encompassing love. It makes you think that you are unlovable and unworthy and impossible.

Then it happens. Someone comes along and convinces you that maybe you're wrong. Maybe you just haven't found the right person or circumstance or level of unselfishness that makes love possible. Maybe you could love again. It causes your heart to have amnesia and forget all the horrible things love has done to you. So you do. You fall. You let someone else take hold of your heart and soul and fill every waking moment with thoughts of them. You set yourself up again. I always set myself up again. I let myself think that maybe, just maybe, it will work this time. Maybe, when he says, "I love you" he means he loves all of me. Every inch of my being. Everything good and bad and unreasonable and loving and hateful and every single thing in between. Maybe this time...this time I won't manage to fuck it all up.

But I do.

And it's all over. My hope that I can find whatever it means to be loved crashes down so hard that the earth splinters into a billion pieces. My heart feels like there are a thousand knives stabbing around inside of me, cutting the very fiber of my existence. And I decide that I can't do this anymore. I cannot manage to sew myself whole again one more time. I am fractured and fragmented in ways so that I am unrecognizable. I am finally broken. I decide I will never love in the same way again. It's too risky. I will wrap my heart in caution tape and tuck it away, keep it locked so far inside of me that even I cannot find it again.

Love is a lie and I am done buying into the fake-plastic ideal that everyone keeps trying to sell me.

Love is a lie and I would rather find the truth in bitter loneliness than give anymore of me.

Love is a lie and I am done living it.

When I Close My Eyes It's Almost Like I'm Happy

Here I am again. Alone in the world. Maybe I've brought this on. Maybe I asked for it. Maybe someone like me should be alone and spare others this misery. Maybe someone like me doesn't deserve to be happy. I just don't know anymore. I have grown numb to these feelings because they are so familiar. I find that being broken is a feeling that is the closest thing to home that I've ever had. I didn't mean to become this person. I don't want to hurt the people I love the most. I hate waking up and realizing that I don't know the right way to love anyone. No matter what I do it's simply not enough. I can get just close enough to touch it, but then I sit back and let it burn. I try to make it work...I really do. I try to love the only way I know how. It just falls short of everything it should be. I've fooled everyone into thinking that I am capable of real love. Capable of being unselfish. Capable of being this person that I'm afraid I'll never be. I want to believe in myself, but so far it just seems impossible to believe anything. I try to warn the people that "love" me that all I am capable of is hurt and deceit and pain. I try to warn them how heavy my burdens are, how hard I am to bear. I try to tell them that I am far too big a mess to try to love. Maybe I just need some time to figure out who I am. Some time to learn how to manage myself before I can ever let anyone else into me. Am I afraid of being alone? I feel alone no matter what I do so I'm not sure. Only time will tell how I'm going to survive this life.

Let the Storm Come

Unruly, violent, raging tempest -
This world has let the tide carry me out.
Let the depths take this pain and wash it away
Because I am drowning within, drowning without.

In the tumultuous waves I lost myself;
Lost everything that meant anything to me.
There is no rescue, no help amid the storm,
And this abyss is calling, beckoning me into the deep.

Maybe all I'm destined to do is drown in this sea
Alone, broken, dying again.
So I'm giving up this struggle
And letting myself give in.

Hopeless Wandering

I'm searching for my happy ending. I just don't think I've found it. Maybe it doesn't exist. Maybe it's that I'll never let myself be happy. I cannot see clearly anymore...not through all this pain and heartache. Every day's ending just brings me further and further from finding whatever it is that I've been searching for. Each day I grow more and more dead inside. I can't allow myself to move on from this same pain, these same memories. What will come of me if I can't figure this out?

Down this road all I foresee is loneliness. I am unlovable. I am broken. I am dying. But there is just no turning back now. There is no alternate route. This is my path alone to walk. These secrets and lies locked within me are silently leading me. I am helpless.

There Is No Rescuing the Dying

Save me from this suffering. Take away all of these thoughts. Drown them out with this heart's beating. Help me escape.

Save yourself from this suffering. Walk away while you still can. Drown me in my own misery. Break me and escape.



Maybe I deserve all of this. Maybe I'm supposed to fall and never stop. Somedays it feels like it's almost over and then it starts all over again. I'm ready to just give in...give up. It wouldn't be the first time. I'm falling, I'm breaking, I'm shattering into a million tiny pieces. Everybody takes a piece of me and I'll never be whole again.



Where is my happy ending? Where is my normalcy? Every falter is a stake in my heart. They are piercing me in places that I thought did not exist. I'm watching myself die and I cannot stop it. My efforts are futile. Each stake is laced with lies and hurt and deceit. They are made up of all of the lies I tell myself. All of my failed attempts. All of my shortcomings. I'm dying and no one can see. No one can save me.



So save yourself before I pull you under. It's all I will ever do...

Home For My Heart

I have started this letter a thousand times over in my mind...but I have struggled to find the words to properly express myself. I suppose that these will have to suffice. I am so overwhelmed with love and happiness because of you. You are the reason I am alive, in more than one way. The times when I made myself impossible to love, you found it within yourselves to love me. All the good in me is because of you. Everyday I wake up grateful that I am so lucky to have known two individuals like you. I have made so many mistakes and am so often caught up in my selfish, twenty-year-old life, but I hope to never let a day go by that you don't know how much I love you.

All the years that I gave my all to achievements and accomplishments to earn your love, I had it all along. It took a complete breakdown, my complete vulnerability in your eyes, to realize that it wasn't the facade, the grades, the recognition that you loved. It was me. It was my flaws, my stupid sense of humor, my off-the-wall remarks, my constant drama. Your unconditional love and support, especially that which you've shown me over the past few months, has been the most important thing in my life, whether or not you know it.

I am such a better person because of you. I never stop learning lessons that you teach. I never stop finding new ways to respect you. I may not ever make $500,000 a year or have ten grandchildren or know what I'm doing with my life for that matter, but I know that no matter what I can count on you being there whatever it is that I do. In my eyes, you are the epitome of success. You have managed to love one another, have and keep a beautiful family, and cultivate a love and bond that is impermeable. You have instilled in Elaine and I, both, the importance of family, and nothing can ever take that away. Nothing will ever come above you. Nothing will ever compare to my love for you.

I love you both.

A Worthwhile Sacrifice

This torrent is taking me under. I am drowning. These emotions cannot be medicated any longer...now they are back with a vengeance. I'm supposed to stay afloat with this little blue pill, but all I can feel is the constant undertoe. Maybe it's your hands grabbing at my ankles, not the rushing water. To be honest, I am having trouble distinguishing up from down in this storm. I just need to feel again. Feel pain, feel anguish, feel happiness, or contentment. It's the oddest sensation, this emptiness. This deadness I feel. I still sometimes feel that rush of desire to do the unthinkable. In doing that I would damage so many more people than just myself. I am able to keep myself from the threshold, but nothing has driven these thoughts from my mind. The limbo between the two worlds is the worst. I can feel enough to torture my mind with all of these thoughts, but not enough to really feel anything worthwhile. I've lost myself.

But I have gained so much. I am finally a person that my family can love. A person that they can finally see. My secret worlds have become a part of this world at last. Maybe I will need to sacrifice some of myself, even all of myself, to be loved. Doesn't everyone?

I Was The One Worth Leaving

You are my friend, my companion, my confidante. But no matter these things, I know me better than you do. All the times you tell me how hard I am to live with, I've thought it a million times before you did. Every time you want to throw in your towel with me, there has been a time when I wanted to do it to myself. So don't look at me and act like you have it hard trying to deal with my shit. Because I have to wallow in it every single day. You are telling me nothing I don't already know.

But here's the real issue. This is still your choice. You can take your things, your emotions, your commitments, and walk away from me. I've heard it's a lot easier than one might think. But me? I'm stuck. Unfortunately, I am going to be me for all of this life and long after. Even after I die, I'll still be me and be paying for the consequences of my decisions. So maybe all these stories and hopes about second chances and forgiveness aren't true. Maybe everybody gets one shot...and I blew mine. So don't blow yours. Heed my advice and walk away.

Because I don't think you're ready to carry my burdens. I am quickly learning that they are indefinitely mine to bear. Whoever chooses to walk this road with me must necessarily bear them, too. It's a funny thing about life: you can't change what has already been done. I did know that one. But the thing I am just now learning is that the past will haunt you no matter how much you change the person you are now.

So maybe I need someone who has seen the worst of me and can still bear to love me. Or at least like me. Don't get me wrong, this is not your fault. More days than not I need convincing to like myself. This is not my goodbye. This is not your problem. This is my advice. Take it. Turn from me and don't look back. For once, get your chance to break my heart instead of me constantly breaking yours. That's all I'll ever do.

White Flag of Surrender

I am done. Done feeling like I am constantly wrong for being who I am. Done trying to be someone better when I'll always be treated like the person I was. I've always heard that changing for the better is what people are supposed to do. But I am learning that there is no point in trying. No decisions, seemingly good or bad, have changed how I feel about myself or how people view me. So why even bother? I am, without fail, wrong and held accountable for former wrongs all at the same time.

I am unlovable. I am unforgivable. I am unworthy. I am done.