I Was The One Worth Leaving

You are my friend, my companion, my confidante. But no matter these things, I know me better than you do. All the times you tell me how hard I am to live with, I've thought it a million times before you did. Every time you want to throw in your towel with me, there has been a time when I wanted to do it to myself. So don't look at me and act like you have it hard trying to deal with my shit. Because I have to wallow in it every single day. You are telling me nothing I don't already know.

But here's the real issue. This is still your choice. You can take your things, your emotions, your commitments, and walk away from me. I've heard it's a lot easier than one might think. But me? I'm stuck. Unfortunately, I am going to be me for all of this life and long after. Even after I die, I'll still be me and be paying for the consequences of my decisions. So maybe all these stories and hopes about second chances and forgiveness aren't true. Maybe everybody gets one shot...and I blew mine. So don't blow yours. Heed my advice and walk away.

Because I don't think you're ready to carry my burdens. I am quickly learning that they are indefinitely mine to bear. Whoever chooses to walk this road with me must necessarily bear them, too. It's a funny thing about life: you can't change what has already been done. I did know that one. But the thing I am just now learning is that the past will haunt you no matter how much you change the person you are now.

So maybe I need someone who has seen the worst of me and can still bear to love me. Or at least like me. Don't get me wrong, this is not your fault. More days than not I need convincing to like myself. This is not my goodbye. This is not your problem. This is my advice. Take it. Turn from me and don't look back. For once, get your chance to break my heart instead of me constantly breaking yours. That's all I'll ever do.

White Flag of Surrender

I am done. Done feeling like I am constantly wrong for being who I am. Done trying to be someone better when I'll always be treated like the person I was. I've always heard that changing for the better is what people are supposed to do. But I am learning that there is no point in trying. No decisions, seemingly good or bad, have changed how I feel about myself or how people view me. So why even bother? I am, without fail, wrong and held accountable for former wrongs all at the same time.

I am unlovable. I am unforgivable. I am unworthy. I am done.