The Last Sunset

I want to believe that there is something in this world worth living for. Like love. Or happiness. But I am progressively losing hope that either of those even exist. Every time I manage to think that I've actually discovered anything good in my life, I simultaneously discover a way to destroy it. With sunrise there must also come sunset, I suppose. It is a pattern in all I do. In love, I find the epitome of happiness just to tear it all down by the strength of my own hands. Personally, I strive to be the best just to fall behind and fail myself. Spiritually, each time I find myself closer to the breast of God, the farther away I backslide. In fact, I fear that this time I have backslid a bit too far...perhaps in all respects. I am unsure if anything about myself is even worth the redeeming. I want to believe that I have some contribution to give, some way to improve this life for others. I want to find my purpose. I want to love, feel, experience, affect. But I'm simply too lost.

Maybe all I need is one last sunset.

Existence Is Futile

Finding meaning in a world full of meaningless people is becoming harder and harder. No matter how hard one works to become something better, no matter how much one may change oneself, there is nothing in the world that rewards the goodness of one's soul. Being a good, kind, considerate, sane person is unfruitful. There is something eternally wrong with who I am. For better or for worse, I cannot make myself lovable. I cannot find a purpose for myself. Happiness does not exist. Trust is only something about which to be fantasized. Seeking others to depend on has been one of the most futile endeavors of my life. A life of solitude is the single thing that cures all of these problems. It is the one good thing I have found in my searching. It is my cause and my cure. I had almost convinced myself that surrendering my instincts about others would eventually make me happy. I had almost tricked myself into being happy. Yet the realization that all I'll ever have in the world is myself has come once again. I need no one and nothing else but solitude.